The Hooman published a book on 27th August. I think it’s called Hidden. Either that or she told me and Wullie, my companion and pest cat, to hide because he’d done something naughty again.
Before you hear what I have to say, buy the Hooman’s book. I need cat treats. I’m not afraid to share a link if it means I get extra Dreamies.
I have lived through the Hooman’s publication day and somehow lived to tell the tail – geddit? Wow, you’re a tough audience, you Hoomans.
Fellow cats, here’s how to survive your Hooman’s publication day.
Wakey, Wakey!
Pounce on the Hooman before their eyelids flutter open. To be fair this happens every day not just on publication day.
Hoomans work best with cat alarms. Nothing makes them move faster and we don’t have a snooze button.
On publication day have an extra special early start. The Hooman may have been awake most of the night and have just got off to sleep. No sleep for the author. This is their day.
I’ve heard the brown stuff that spurts out of the machine in the kitchen has a magical potion in it. Lead your Hooman to that, after you’ve had your breakfast. Priorities.
That Shiny Screen Thingy
Watch the Hooman stare at the shiny screen thingy. Get them to make some space on the tappy-tap thingy. I’m partial to sitting on the mouse. Mice are our thing.
Insist the Hooman keeps the tapping noise down. We’re trying to sleep. We had an early start, remember?
I’m also partial to sitting on the printer so the Hooman can’t get to the paper. Its mine. All mine!
Don’t freak out when the Hooman jumps up and down in their chair when they spot their novel has been published.
Back away when they despair and wail, realising the world can now read it. Make them aware giving you a fuss will always make them feel better.
Check your Hooman is alive at regular intervals. They won’t move from the screen for checking rankings, reviews, and other book stuff, whatever all this is.
Keep your Hooman aware of your existence by sticking your bum in their face, sharpening your claws on their leg or giving them a nose bump.
Cringefest
Try to forgive your Hooman for sending regular messages on the spider thingy. You know, that web behind the shiny screen thingy?
Watch your Hooman lose all their dignity as they tell everyone they know and complete strangers they’ve got a book out.
Try not to laugh at the loss of your Hooman’s dignity. One day they may be wiping your pooey backside after a dodgy pouch of Whiskas.
Cause a Distraction
You need to take your Hooman’s mind off publication day. The stressed little person needs us to help them relax.
My personal favourite is if you have another cat in the house, make them earn their keep.
I usually wind Wullie up enough that he runs around the house like a feline possessed. Slipping some catnip into his water usually does the trick. Or I start a scrap and then make it look like he did it.
The Hooman will be too busy telling the other cat to calm down or something with naughty words in it. You will lie back, reveling in being the good cat. Hooman has forgotten about the book for a few minutes. Job done.
Feed Me!
Your Hooman is selfish most of the time. They will be even more selfish on publication day. They may even forget you exist. Not that mine will ever get the chance.
Feeding can go out the window on publication day. Do not let this neglect happen.
Meow incessantly. Purr in their ear hole. Carry your empty bowl and drop it at their feet – humiliating to act like a dog but sometimes needs must.
Rip into the cat biscuits and help yourself if they forgot to feed you for ten minutes. It’s the Hooman’s fault.
Be Kind
Your Hooman is probably frazzled by publication day. They’ve spent weeks trying to make people buy their book. The energy seeps out of them when the book is actually available to buy.
Be kind to your Hooman and give them extra opportunities to fuss you. Smile a sly cat smile at Hoomans believing petting cats is good for them.
As they give you extra belly rubs, chin fusses, and behind the ear scratches, reflect on how paying the scientists that tenner was worth it for them to publish shonky research findings.
Watch your Hooman relax as you connect in a moment of loveliness.
Then walk off and ignore them for the next four hours while you have an epic kip.
Everything must be balanced.
Love Your Author
Be secretly proud your Hooman published a book even though you’re not quite sure what a book is. It might be that thing Hoomans put in front of their faces. Rudeness.
Love your Hooman author. You’re going to have to go through this all again.
Love them or kill them. Remember, we’re predators. Hoomans are prey.
Over to You
How do your cats help you through publication day?
How do you Hoomans get through publication day, not that I’m all that interested? I’m a cat. It should all be about me.