Deadlines. Yucky word. Yucky business. Unfortunately, we all have them.
The tosser who invented time basically invented deadlines. They’re everywhere we go, taunting us.
Authors’ lives are made up of deadlines. Just when you’re feeling smug AF because you’ve come up with an idea for a novel, the deadlines attack.
Drafts, submitting, editing, choosing a book cover, editing, publishing… It never ends.
Here’s how you can defeat those pesky deadlines. Note: sarcasm is my lifeblood. This is not a genuine helpful article, possibly.
Twenty Ways to Defeat a Deadline
1.Ignore it. Pretend it’s not happening. It’s not real anymore. If it’s not real, it’s just a figment of your imagination.
2. Break your task into manageable chunks; chunks of chocolate, that is. Every time you get something done, reward yourself with slabs of chocolate. You’ll be the size of a house when you’re finished but that’s a price you must be willing to pay. Because. Chocolate.
3. Sellotape your cat’s paws to the sofa. Keyboards are cat crack. As soon as they see you using it, trying to meet your deadline, your cat will be all over the keys. Superglue the cat to the floor if you must. Don’t tell your vet I advised this.
4. Go on social media. See a smug git of an author talking about how productive they are. Note they’ve released eleventy billion books in the past year. Game on. Take them on or weep.
5. Dangle a reward in front of your face like the proverbial carrot on the stick. Salivate over a cream cake. Lust over a new book. Covet a shiny new outfit. Work it, work it, own it.
6. Look back at a project you nearly missed a deadline for. Take a look back at that writing and remind yourself of the stress and sleepless nights it caused. Resolve never to do that again – you probably will though.
7. Write in a cave. No distractions apart from being flooded by the sea. Sometimes you have to suffer for your art.
8. Look on Facebook. See that girl from school who used to bully you, as an adult. Tell that bitch you WILL get this finished because you’ll never be made to feel like a loser again.
9. Select music to boogie on down to. Whenever you get something done, bang on a choon. Dance around the house and celebrate. Write. Rave. Repeat.
10. Stop all the clocks. Nope, this isn’t the poem. Literally stop all your clocks. When you miss the deadline you have a valid reason for not getting the project done in time.
11. Fake your own death. Dead authors don’t tend to have deadlines.
Train your pets to write. Get them to tap out a few pages each.
12. Meet your mates at the pub. Play a new drinking game. Everyone has to add to a story. Jot down what they say. The first person to lose the plot downs their drink in one.
13. Get a ghost writer. Hate yourself for it but the deadline will be met.
14. Get your mum or dad to phone in sick for you. Your publisher or agent would have to possess a heart of stone to question a concerned parent, looking after poor Timmy, who has a dodgy tummy i.e. a hangover.
15. Give up being an author. Become a stripper instead. The only deadline they have to meet is getting their kit off by the end of the song. Unless you’re clumsy and fall over your clothes when you take them off, you’ll probably succeed.
16. If you’re self-published, tell your boss they’re a dictatorial nasty bastard. Dare them to sack you for not meeting your deadline.
17. Claim deadlines are so last season. It’s all about being fashionably late again.
18. Nail yourself to your chair. Insert a catheter. Add a drip for feeding. Wear a nappy. The basics are covered. Write, you smelly, pissy, hungry fool.
19. Kill your wi-fi. No internet. No. Don’t. It’s too barbaric.
20. I don’t have #20. I missed the deadline.
Over to You
How do you defeat your deadlines?