Kitty, Cat, Moggy, Feline Fest

The Blog Police

Today’s post is brought to you via the medium of the cat. This is in a rebellious attack against a diatribe I read recently from The Blog Police (TM), about how to boost my blog stats. I clicked on it by accident, honest guv.

I’m so over checking stats, chasing followers, and whoring myself on social media. Note to the husband: this is metaphorical. I may be spending my days dishonourably as a writer, but I’m not spending them on my back. Apart from the occasional cheeky nap. Alone.

I will continue to advertise my posts so that those who enjoy them (do you exist?) know they are out there. I flipping love you people, by the way.

What I don’t love is the, ‘Your blog is only successful if it increases by at least a billion followers a day’ message. Chasing followers is exhausting and gets in the way of what I want to be doing; writing. I know a writer needs readers, I know I need to make potential readers aware that I’m here, I know I must play the game, but there are limits.

Cat memes = thousands of hits?

The ‘sage’ advice from The Blogging Police (TM) went a little something like this, ‘Add a predominant picture of a cat in your post. Cats are a continuing internet phenomenon and you are guaranteed additional hits from a kitty picture alone.’

So let’s be clear; add a cat picture, even if your post has nothing whatsoever to do with cats, in order to go viral. Then I got to thinking. Let’s meme and metaphor the shit out of our furry feline friends. Not literally. They crap enough in people’s gardens as it is.

‘Cattering’ behaviour provides the perfect allusion to my writery world. You want cats, The Blog Police (TM)? I’ll give you flipping cats…

Cats know that procrastination is essential to creativity. They are easily distracted and bought by ‘the shiny things’

307299_10200500289899913_163045305_nAs am I, and any other honest writer. We pretend to be on social media for the purposes of networking and self-promotion. It can start that way. However, we always land up trapped in commenting to a friend about another ‘friend’, who is looking a little tubby nowadays, and what was she thinking putting her holiday bikini photos on Facebook. The claws are often out.

Or we are setting the world of Twitter alight with our musings on the latest episode of ‘Game of Thrones’, and pissing off all the friends who haven’t seen it yet.

Social media should be just that; social. Promote but be a human, sociable being.

Writers who use social media to incessantly bombard us with promos for their novels are (a) boring cockwombles who don’t know how to talk to real people, and (b) making me look bad in terms of writery published output.

Give me shiny distraction things any day. Oooh! My phone just pinged… Where was I? Who are you? How did I get here?

Cats understand that food aids productivity

food_o_1204761It has been brought to my attention that I write about chocolate, cheese and coffee a lot. This is because they are my motifs. I actually only added that because it sounded literary, and a bit tossbagish, if I’m honest. The simple truth is that food aids the writer’s productivity. These just so happen to be my weapons of choice.

Regular snacks mean that we avoid a ‘hangry’ situation. Hunger anger is not pretty. Ask the husband.

The husband makes our dinner. His choice, before the independent women start whacking me with Beyonce CDs. If I have eaten little through writery forgetting, or have the major  munchies, he is like Owen, the dinosaur whisperer in Jurassic World.

The husband enters our home slowly, holding out his hands to indicate he is benign, speaks calmly, assesses rage levels, and then darts into the kitchen. Dinner is rapidly rustled up to pacify his T-Rex of a missus.

Cats appreciate that legal drugs are a writer’s muse

thast-that-officer-nope-no-catnip-tonightWhoever invented caffeine is a god. Now I understand that I should be worshipping no other gods than the Main Man, but come on. There has to be an extra deity out there that not only created this legal high, but decided it could go into coffee, chocolate and Diet Pepsi.

I worship at the altar of the caffeine god and thank the Big Fella for expanding the Holy Trinity into a quartet. Am I going to Hell for this? If so, at least I can boil the water for a triple shot espresso.

Cats are independent and feisty little buggers

SNE0125Q---_149991_1500286aSo am I. Nowt wrong with that. It gets ‘the things’ done. It helps you to fight through the most messiest of situations. It encourages you to continue writing when you know that every one and his wife, dog (or cat), is at it as well.

Independence can also be isolating and breed arrogance if you’re not careful.

I have been learning from the cat; be autonomous when it suits, usually when writing and culling characters. Then accept help when you need it; mainly when in need of food (see above) or getting out of tight situations (keep reading).

Cats can also be incredibly manipulative needy

imagesEvery writer wants to be loved. Now don’t lie to me, fellow scribes, and beg to differ. We are pouring out our heart and imagination on to paper. This renders us vulnerable when we share that with others.

Readers, editors and critiquers: we want you to read our work and give the appropriate amount of belly rubs, hopefully accompanied by praise. Failing that, constructive criticism is acceptable.

If you neglect the gentle stroking (does this read as pervy as it sounds in my head?) we will bite. Or cry. Probably both.

Cats sleep like bosses

funny-sleeping-cat-pictureBed was the most marvellous invention ever thought up in the whole wide world. I have no time for the ‘sleep when I’m dead’ brigade. Firstly, you’re quoting a Bon Jovi song and deserve a slap for that alone.

Secondly, you are going to have to sleep at some point in your life, you idiot. Otherwise you will be dead and you’ll miss the after party, through, er, sleeping.

Sleep is my friend. I am kind to my friends. Sleep helps get the writing done the next day.

Cats can get themselves into a variety of awkward and uncomfortable situations

146153-cat-stuck-in-suit-sleeve-meme-bcu7Welcome to my freaking life… Awkwardness and uncomfortable situations dominant most of my writing days.

The ideas don’t come: I am suffocated by a non-functioning brain.

I try to be too clever for my own good with a plot: I spend the rest of the day untangling myself from the mess.

I write about someone I know in far too much realistic, unfavourable detail:  I edit the living daylights out of it for fear of destroying the relationship with my best friend, husband, brother,mum, the person I wrote so honestly about.

Cats do it their way, despite the haters…

cat-memes-9I’m not stupid, contrary to what my posts may indicate. I know there are people who think I’m an idiot for starting up this writery business. Idiot? No. Weirdo? Always.

I know that I will probably never make my fame or fortune from it. The husband has been informed never to mess up at work…

I know that writers are often scorned and our endeavours aren’t considered as actual ‘work’. Really? Go and have a go if you think you’re imaginative, skilled, dedicated and strange enough…

All l I can offer in response to the negativity is a big, fat, sarcastic rendition of ‘My Way’, screeched in the form of a scrapping cat, with a message to the haters that this writer has serious ‘cattitude’ *face palms at adding the world’s worst cat pun as a lasting impression that will convince the haters she is truly a shite writer*.

Hey there, The Blog Police (TM), how do you like my shameless cattering? I’m off for a cat nap. My work here is done.


About Lisa Sell

Lisa Sell is a fiction writer. When she's not wrestling with words she can be found showing the love for chocolate, cheese, coffee, books, the cats, and the husband. Perhaps not in that order.

30 comments on “Kitty, Cat, Moggy, Feline Fest

  1. I…literally… sat at my computer and LAUGHED OUT LOUD! You are refreshingly honest and funny and an AH-amazing writer!!! I will be following your site for sure! Thank you for this awesome read!
    P.S. I am screenshotting (probably not a word) some of these cat meme’s because THEY ARE THE BEST!

    1. Happy to raise such a laugh. I love it when people enjoy reading my blog posts; this is why I do it. It’s great to discover other bloggers whose writing I also enjoy – loved what I’ve read so far. Enjoy the cat memes. Kudos to the cats for carrying my post a little…

  2. Oh dear. Cats. Hate the damn things – especially the freaky grey one that seems stuck in a tube. However, I enjoyed the breezy bits between the awful pictures. Entertainment very much needed as my little one has the munchies and can’t have cheese or chocolate yet, so I’m glued to my computer screen.
    PS Spare a thought for people who want to comment but are afraid of committing grammatical hara-kiri. Shivering in my ballerinas. 🙂

    1. Cats aren’t to everyone’s taste which, as I know you’ll appreciate, is why I decided to defy the convention of ‘You must include cats in order to be acceptable upon social media’. Apparently as far as The Blog Police (TM) are concerned, cat haters don’t exist.

      Always, always, comment (I need the love) and never fear The Grammar Police (another TM) on my watch. If you catch me in the mornings before coffee, the typos are aplenty. I kind of like those free from restraint moments. Then I remember I’m supposed to be a writer *sigh*

      I wholeheartedly recommend weening your son on to cheese or chocolate as soon as is physically possible. It makes life so much more bearable…

    1. So glad you enjoyed it! That’s what it’s all about. I’m not keen on viruses. I used to teach and get a cold every other week. Oh wait, you said ‘viral’? 😉

  3. Oh my soul. This was hysterical There may have been a point or two where coffee snorted outta my nose.
    “The husband enters our home slowly, holding out his hands to indicate he is benign, speaks calmly, assesses rage levels..” bhahahaaahhhaaaaa. My Caveman needs to take lessons from yours.

    Should your writing go viral? Absolutely! but it has nothing to do with the silly cats…

    1. When coffee snorts out of a reader’s nose, the writer knows that their work is done. Unless you were having a seizure. You’re alive, right?

      Thanks for the writing love. The cats are getting far too much credit and they’re doing that whole, licking their paws, nonchalant, ‘This means nothing to me humans’ thing. Pah.

    1. Thanks so much Mike. Funnily enough I’ve just been reading a few of your posts and have chuckled at how close to home they are for me. Currently deciding: Netflix or writing? Decided: both. Kind of. Ish.

      1. I realized I’ve used the Netflix line in three of my posts so far, it’s time I put that line to bed. Netflix is now in a battle royale with the Android Box in our home, android is currently winning.
        I appreciate the follow Lisa, looking forward to your posts. Cheers for the comment!

  4. Hilarious post! I was up late last night talking to my sister and one of the subjects was “how to get more people to click things” and I said “cats and babies, people are suckers for them”.

    I should try that method sometime. 😀

    It’s got to be(and I’ll know soon) so hard to find that perfect balance of promoting yourself and over-promoting.

    I don’t envy the stress that goes into that. I wish there was a magic button I could push that’d just send me a list of all the people I’d like being social with so I can be lazy and not try to find out myself!

    For you, I wouldn’t worry about how much interest you garner. 😀 It seems like every time I stop by you have lots of people who love what you write(at least on your blog).

  5. This made me laugh so much. 😀 I love cat pictures; they’re probably one of the few things that gets me to click those darn clickbait things, actually. I hope the Blog Police(TM) are suitably impressed by your use of their advice!

    As for chasing followers, etc., I try not to fall into that trap. I have a limited amount of time to get things done, so I do my best to focus on the important things, especially writing more books for people to read and be excited about! 🙂

    1. The Blog Police (TM) were kind of right in that this has been my most viewed post ever BUT… Thankfully I’ve had cat haters enjoying it so I’ll take that as a win.

      I genuinely value every follow, like, visit and comment I receive. When I began this blog I fell into the trap of trying to drive up my numbers through relentless social media promos which ate up a lot of my time. I then realised that not only was I being an idiot, but that I’m not blogging with the big boys and girls.

      This blog isn’t a business. It was created to share with interested people my progress and musings. More than that it’s about the writing.

      I see this blog as part of my writing and I enjoy doing it a lot. I don’t enjoy spending hours trying to get other people to read it. I’m not arrogant, far from it. The more people on board the merrier. I do share links on social media and engage with other bloggers and writers. I’ve learned not to do that instead of writing!

      Thanks for your comments and engaging with my posts. I really appreciate it!

  6. We exist! We exist! When you are finished with your book – NO PRESSURE – I have birthday presents taken care of for everyone I know. Woo-hoo! See how much you are helping me? I would also like to check on the status of my promotion? Any news?

    1. Huge apologies for not replying sooner! WordPress wasn’t notifying me of comments made for a while. So frustrating!

      Ha ha, Christine you’re so supportive and amazing! I’m going to let you rise through the ranks to near the top of the pyramid. How about that? I’ll even let you show off a little too.

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