A Writer and Blogger’s Begging Letter to Father Christmas

Dear Father Christmas,

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been a while. I’ve been slack in keeping up the correspondence. Sorry about that. Unfortunately, growing up and life type stuff got in the way.

I confess I kind of wondered if you were real or not for a few decades there as well. Forgive me. I need you now, oh jolly, rotund one of redness.

This writer truly believes in you because let’s face it, If I can convince myself that characters are real on a regular basis, I think I can try to do the same about a fella who swooshes around the world on Christmas Eve with gifts for everyone, on a little sleigh, powered by reindeer. There are reasons why I don’t write fantasy.

I understand that it’s a little cheeky to be sending you a Christmas wish list now I’m adulting but I figured that as you haven’t visited in years, this may be my fault.

I haven’t written a letter to you since ‘The Great Cabbage Patch Kid Disappointment of 1983’. I wanted a girl, not a boy. Years of therapy were required, Santa. All is now forgiven.

I think you came back to punish me when the kitten I thought was a boy turned out to be a girl, five freaking months later. Lesson learned.

This Writer and Blogger Needs You, Father Christmas.

Good Girl - ChristmasSo leave those snotty little brats alone that you feel obliged to dish up the goods to. They’ll get over it if you bypass their house for mine. Life is tough. The sooner they understand this the better.

This writer and blogger needs you, Nicky boy. I have been a good(ish) girl.

For Christmas, please, please, please can I have the following in my list? I appreciate some may be more tricky to accomplish than others but I have faith in you.

My readers and followers are relying on you too for the sake of their sanity. Spare them a 2017 full of my continuing angst.

Magic Beans

As Christmas is pantomime season, I would love to have some magic beans like Jack’s.

These ones are the special writer type that make first drafts miraculously grow into completed novels without any intervention on my part. I know they are rare and that other writers would sell their Grandma to acquire one, but I believe you can give me this, oh scarlet-clad bloke.

You can make this happen. For the love of writing, please make this happen.

Published

Published author ecardsA published novel through a major publishing house who thinks that my novel is flipping amazing, does all the promotion for me and I just sit back, watch the dosh rolling in and squirrel it all away into a Swiss bank account.

Or just turn me into J. K. Rowling if it’s easier.

Self-writing Blog Posts

I’d really like a device where I can place antennae on my head, it reads my messed up mind, and then writes my blog posts in a coherent and organised manner.

Not only will I be grateful but a few of my lovely followers may just fall at your feet in adoration also.

Facebook to Be Nicer to Writers and Bloggers

This is a miracle, I know, but it’s worth a punt.

Please can I, and my fellow writers and bloggers, have a Facebook page where every single person who bothered to like it in the first place actually gets to see that we have written a post, every time?

If this is impossible, please make Facebook disappear and provide an alternative where people get to actually, properly, follow the people they chose to. Or give Mark Zuckerberg a kick up the arse. Whatever is easier and the most satisfying for you.

Punishment for Ego on Facebook

If you can make it so that writers and bloggers in Facebook groups who shamelessly link drop and spam, against group rules, spontaneously combust the first time that they display their wares in a manner tantamount to a baboon flashing its shiny red arse, I’ll love you forever.

Ideas and Dream Catcher

I would love a technological advance that captures ideas and dreams in my head exactly as they are in my brain, on to the page. No messing, exactly the same and no added crappy filler as usually occurs.

Everlasting Coffee

Intravenous coffee without the ouchiness of a needle.

Staff

A servant to look after my home whilst I watch Netflix, sorry, write.

All the Cats in the World

Crazy cat ladyA clowder of cats (yes, I looked it up) would complete me as a writer.

As it is writing law that a writer must have a cat in order to be able to write well, my theory is that a house full of them will magically make me the bestest writer in the world ever, ever.

I have the lovely Feegle and she has taught me Essential Lessons in the Way of ‘Kitten’ but I’m concerned that as she’s still young, the moggy writing force isn’t strong enough yet. Bring on the felines and the supreme power to write.

Oh, and explain why this is happening to the Husband before he comes home from work.

Resurrection

Now here’s a toughie for you… Please resurrect my first novel from writing purgatory. I know, I know. But I figure if Lazarus can be raised from the dead this may be worth the request.

Rewarding the Husband

Please give the Husband all the amazing things in the world that he so richly deserves for putting up with me and this writing and blogging gig. However, don’t spoil him too much as you’ll just make me look bad when I have to apologise for being a nightmare of a wife after writing.

Uber Self-Confidence

An injection of self-confidence would be great. Again, if this can be achieved without the aid of a needle; even better. A one off vaccination against low self-esteem and the ‘I’m a rubbish writer’ disease would be fabulous.

I’d also like this for my closest writing friends. Not every writer, mind you. I could do without the competition.

Chocolate

A truck-load of Dairy Milk. Do you really need a reason here?

Cheese

All the cheddar cheese.

A Marketing Assistant

I’d love a marketing guru to do all my self-promotion. Let them trawl through the promo threads of epic proportions, the tweets, the pins and the emails. I’ll just get on with the writing. Controversial, I know.

Eradicate Pinterest

Pinterest ecardMany bloggers will hate me for this, but here goes…

Please make Pinterest disappear.

I’m so bored of constantly hearing about how it is the place to grow your blog following. I don’t doubt it but I don’t have the time for it.

I got fed up with it just planning my wedding.

I’m rubbish at strategy.

I just like pretty pictures.

Treat My Brother

Please give my brother something shiny and lovely for creating this glorious website and for putting up with my questions as I have tried to adapt to using it.

If you could keep giving him little gifts throughout the year as I will, no doubt, continue to keep asking him stupid questions, we would both very much appreciate it.

World Peace

*Adopts 1980s style Miss World contestant voice and bikini clad pose*. I’d appreciate it if you would make this world a friendlier, loving, stable, and community-focused place.

Whilst negativity, badness and pain can make for great writing fodder, the shit show going on politically, financially, culturally and, for me, personally, right now, can be distracting.

Sorry, this request is just too much of a stretch.

Keep the Fire Burning

Help me to retain the desire to write. I lost it a little this year when depression took hold and I am scared of losing it again in the future.

Please help me to always hold on to this writing fire that has taken decades to stoke.

May it never be extinguished.

May I always value and love it.

In the more difficult days I know are going to come, may I also know that even when I cannot physically write, it’s there, in my mind and always with me.

Destroy Depression

My last request isn’t to receive something. I want to give something to you, to take away and destroy on my behalf.

Please take away the vestiges of the bout of depression I am now overcoming. I need my writing mojo fully back. I was so scared when I thought I had lost it: The Hiding Place of the Will to Write

I want to be able to focus for longer periods. I want to be free of this weight upon my mind and body as I find myself enthusing more about writing my blog posts and aiming to get back to my fiction writing.

Give me the strength to throw it away, a piece at a time, as I go down the road of recovery.

If nothing else on my list is given, just this one thing would be so much more than enough; for Christmas and beyond.

Thank You

Thanks Father Christmas. I know you don’t often fulfill the requests of adults, let alone demanding writers and bloggers. However, I believe in you. I know you can do this.

Facebook and Santa - Christmas
Er, possibly not considering its reach…

If you don’t, watch out for a novel in 2017 called How Christmas Died with the Mysterious Slaughter of Santa.

Just saying.

Happy Christmas.

With love from Lisa, aged (none of your bloody business). xx

About Lisa Sell

Lisa Sell is a fiction writer and blogger. When not wrestling with words she can be found showing the love for chocolate, cheese, coffee, the cat, and the Husband. Not particularly in that order.

56 comments on “A Writer and Blogger’s Begging Letter to Father Christmas

  1. Thanks for this delightful post, Lisa. I’ve been avoiding thinking about Christmas, but you’ve inspired me to considering doing a Christmas post of my own.

    These are all wonderful things to ask for. If you do happen to get your hands on some of those magic beans, I don’t suppose you’d consider planting them, having them grow baby magic beans, and sharing those with people like… me?

    1. I’ve not been feeling very festive so I guess this post was my catalyst! I’m pleased you enjoyed it and it’s inspired you to write your own Christmas themed post.

      As for giving you some magic beans? I’ll have to check with Santa if you’ve been good this year, ha ha!

      Thank you for reading and commenting!

  2. Absolutely loved this list and if I can borrow, I would like to send this list to God as well! 🙂 in fact the other day I was telling my daughter, wish I had a printer to my brain, that could have scanned my thoughts and printed on the paper. Ha ha. Anyways enjoyed reading your list of wishes.
    – sarojavasanth

    1. If such a printer was invented, it would sell out in seconds!

      I’m pleased you enjoyed reading this and thanks for taking the time to comment.

  3. I was going to say world peace, but agree that is asking for too much! I hope Santa fulfills your wish list. You deserve it!

    1. So do you, lovely lady.

      World peace is a stretch but we will just make it happen in our little spaces. It all adds up.

      I hope Santa brings you lots of shiny things. Cheerleaders deserve it!

  4. Lisa- what a terrific post! I totally agree with requesting PR help from Father Christmas. I often tell my husband how nice it would be to have others tweet, post, etc while I just write.
    I hope you get to write your book & that depression stays away. Have a happy holiday & a successful 2017!

    1. If only we had the budget for that PR, Susan!

      The book that’s already written will become more if an editing priority along with some new ideas.

      I wish you a happy and fulfilling 2017!

  5. Am so impressed by how you’ve kept up with the blog writing – it must have been hard, but it also shows how much it means to you. I’m sure you’ll keep that love of writing – it’s more than just something we do.

    On a side note, can you let Santa know I’ve been really, really good, and can I have a few magic beans and some intravenous caffeine too?

    1. My friend, YOU can have all the IV coffee and magic beans you can handle! People like you who’ve been so supportive and encouraging of both me and my writing, are the reason why I’ve managed to keep doing it

      Thank you a squillion times over!

  6. Loved this. Oh, the cabbage patch dolls. YES! I got a boy too. What’s up with that Santa? Lol Self-confidence would be a wonderful gift in this world for so many. With so many people jumping on social media behind a screen ready to criticize every little thing someone has to share. So many have words to share to bless and brighten another’s day but lack the confidence to do so.

    1. I think we should bill Santa for all the therapy we need to get over our mutual Cabbage Patch kids related traumas!

      Yep, I’m with you; the confidence to be encouraging rather than nasty is definitely something certain individuals need!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

  7. We have a few items in common on our lists, such as being published, a massive boost in self-confidence, and world peace. Chocolate would be nice too 🙂 Great list!

  8. This was such a fun read Lisa, it made my day.

    I haven’t written a letter to you since ‘The Great Cabbage Patch Kid Disappointment of 1983’.

    LOLOLOL

    I’m with you on this list, FB ego punishment, eliminating depression and providing all of the cheese!

    1. Good to find a kindred spirit Amy! Does that mean if you write a letter with some of the same things that we are more likely to get what we want? We can but hope!

      Thanks so much for commenting.

  9. Ha Ha ! This is great! I would like insight to Facebook’s algorithm to focus on bloggers ONLY! And I also wish my husband would do all my admin work and posting and pushes!

    1. Hmmm, I don’t think I’ll get away with asking the Husband to be my PR!

      If Facebook ever does share that algorithm with you, please remember me!

      Thanks so much for commenting.

  10. Hilarious!! Reading this makes me feel much less alone as a blogger. It’s like you are in my head! Yes on Facebook (and probably yes on Pinterest too) and definitely yes on whirled peas. 🙂

  11. I laughed out loud at the Cabbage Patch Disappointment of 83! Mine was a girl, but it was like the only girl Cabbage Patch with short hair! Defeats the purpose when you’re a little girl who just wants to play with hair!

    1. It was a difficult time with those pesky Cabbage Patch Kids. I collected them but I have to confess they were ugly little blighters and I think I was just having them because they were cool.

      Thanks for sharing your disappointment with me. One day we WILL get over this. Stay strong!

      Thanks for commenting.

  12. Thanks for the giggle, love the list especially the facebook one! Though I must admit I love Pinterest I just don’t utilise it much for the blog! 🙂

    1. Always happy to provide a few laughs. I don’t hate Pinterest. I’m just rubbish at using it as a blogging marketing tool. I don’t have the time or the will!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

  13. This post literally made me laugh out loud at moments. Yes to all of the food items, and many of the other items! Hahaha! And a big yes to getting rid of depression. Thanks for such an uplifting post at the crazy time of the year.

    1. It certainly is a hectic time where we all value those moments to read and relax. I feel honoured that you used it to read my post!

      May you get all that is on your list also!

  14. Hi Lisa,

    That was a fun read, and now I’ve learned that a ‘clowder of cats’ is a thing. Looking forward to your book next year! (You’ll be missed Santa)

    1. Every day is a school day, Dave. I learnt about a clowder just for this post too. The problem is, I’ll probably use it everywhere from now on!

      Thanks for the encouragement regarding the book. Optimism on both our parts is key!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.

  15. Nice list! I was thinking of doing something similar myself, just for fun. I can definitely relate to the “published” point. Ideally, I’d love a writer’s retreat, more followers on blog/social media, and a trip to see my brother and nephews. Ah, for dreaming and wishing! lol

    1. Your list sounds great and I’d certainly go for some of those! Let’s keep dreaming and wishing; it’s rocket fuel for writers and bloggers!

      Thanks so much for commenting. Merry Christmas!

  16. hahaha, this post has had me in stitches. My award winning ones;
    1. Everlasting coffee – I am with you on this one 🙂
    2. Self writing blog posts – hahaha I see
    3. Uber self confidence – ikr!
    4. I definitely feel you on Pinterest! Definitely
    5. Destroy depression

    you are my fav blogger of all times!

    xo

    1. Aw, thanks Ashley. Let’s hope Santa is listening to our mutual wishes and we get at least a few of them this year!

      I hope you have a great Christmas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *