The Cat Takeover
Feegle, this writer’s cat, has decided that 2017 is her year for ‘helping’ me out with blogging. She’s already been great at ‘helping’ me to write: sitting on the keyboard, meowing pitifully for food when I’m in the middle of a sentence, and knocking over the coffee cups on my desk. She even inspired a blog post when we first got her: Essential Lessons in the Way of ‘Kitten’ (when ‘she’ was a ‘he’. Confused? Keep reading!)
2017 is Feegle’s time to shine. 2017 is the year of the cat; this kitty cat.
The Feegle Cat Chronicles begin today and will be coming at you throughout 2017, i.e. between epic cat naps (mine and the cat’s).
Over to you, oh fluffy one…
Hello! I’ve been brought up to be polite, so let’s do introductions first. Eloquent for a cat aren’t I? The Writer Woman AKA Cat Slave #1 insists upon it.
I’m Feegle, named after the Nac Mac Feegles of Terry Pratchett fame. I thought it was a bit of an odd choice at first. I’m not a little imp and I don’t know how to steal cows and sheep.
Now, I love my name, especially as it’s often accompanied by the words, ‘Treats’ and ‘Dinner’. I’m not so keen on it when the words ‘F***ing cat’ are added to it. I may or may not deserve that on occasion.
I am just over six months old and have already had a confusing life. You see, I was once a boy but now I’m a girl.
No, I wasn’t confused about my gender, but my breeder and vet certainly were. The vet apparently felt some growing ‘plums’ on me three (count ‘em) times. I tried to tell her there was nothing there but she wouldn’t listen.
We bought her a ‘Basics in Biology’ course for Christmas.
Another more qualified vet later and here I am; a girl, still cute (IMHO) and helping Lisa to outnumber Cat Slave #2 in the female stakes.
That was 2016…
I didn’t mind 2016 too much on a personal level. I got two cat slaves out of it. They’re pretty good at this servant business as well.
I tested them out on the first night by having the runs and then some. I still managed to look cute throughout the whole thing, so they forgave me.
I know many of you are hoping 2017 will be better than last year. 2016 wasn’t very popular from what I hear.
The cat slaves had a pretty crappy year of it (my diarrhoea included), apart from getting married. That was before I was born so who cares anyway?
This is all about me after all. Cat Slave #1 gets far too much writing and blogging space as it is.
How 2017 Should be According to the Cat
- Let’s have less famous people dying. Do not even think of taking Grumpy Cat. That feline is my muse. However people, stop getting so hysterical every time a famous really old person dies and call it ‘The Curse of 2016’. You can’t do that now we’re in 2017 and, with respect, old people die, sad as it is. You ‘70s and ‘80s kids are going to see that happening a lot now. Although sudden deaths are rubbish and Princess Leia is my hero. I don’t like this topic. Cats live much shorter lives than humans. Moving on…
- Can we sort out this British politics business? I don’t know much about it but when Tesco start running out of my cat food because some people decided they didn’t like being friends with the rest of Europe, I’m going to stick my whiskers in.
- The only Trump I want to hear about in 2017 is the silent but deadly farts I do when the cat slaves are least expecting it. It’s even more amusing when they blame it on each other. Who is going to accept responsibility for that other, unfortunately never silent, but equally deadly, Trump?
- 2017 needs less bloggers upsetting Cat Slave #1 by not playing nicely in social media threads. I’m getting a bit scared of hearing the profanity every time she contributes to threads, engages with other bloggers and they don’t reciprocate when they’re supposed to. Less selfish social media gits in 2017 please. I’d share my toys if I was asked to, although no-one gets their hands on my teddy bear. I’ll have your hand off if you try.
- Some humans need to focus upon 2017 as the year to be a bit happier about what they do have and stop moaning about what they don’t. I know there are some who don’t have much at all. My dad is a down and out stray who left my Mum after one night, *stifles a sob* so I understand. For those who do have a home and the means to keep it running; be content. I’m personally very happy at Cat Towers. It’s my own little piece of property i.e. it takes over most of the Lounge. Just as it should be.
- 2017 needs more focus upon friends and less wasting time on people who don’t care. I watch humans getting hurt by people they thought were friends, not caring or contacting them. I’m glad I don’t have opposable thumbs in order to use social media and then feel let down by people. Concentrate on your friends, humans. They deserve your attention. They also give the best chinny chin rubs.
My Resolutions for 2017
- I will not be bullied into losing weight just because everyone else is obsessed with it. In fact I will make it my mission to keep on troughing my way through cat food and treats throughout 2017. I think I can get away with it with my figure. Now where are those cat slaves with my dinner?
- Get more sleep. You can never have too much beauty sleep. Let’s face it; I’m still a novice even if I do sleep for about ¾ of the day. You can never be too rested or too beautiful.
- These humans will start watching more of what I want on the television. I’m partial to a wildlife documentary. Those lions are my idols and I want to be one when I grow up. I’m working on strategically sitting on the remote control to change the channel. For now I just stick my head in front of the TV to annoy the humans until they get the message.
- I will train the cat slaves in how to speak more fluent ‘Cat’. You’d think they’d have mastered it by now.
Meow = hungry, pissed off, happy, needy or content.
Purr = hungry, pissed off, happy, needy or content.
Chirrup = hungry, pissed off, happy, needy or content.
Squeak = hungry, pissed off, happy, needy or content.
So flipping simple.
- I resolve to provide even more love, snuggles and sleeping on top of the cat slaves. They could do with the comfort and I am more than happy to provide it. I expect chin rubs and behind the ears scratches in return though.
Make 2017 what you want it to be. Stuff the resolutions if they’re too much like hard work. Life is difficult enough as it is. Wise for a six month-old aren’t I?
Don’t get caught in the same traps you may have found yourself in in 2016, although I am partial to a little tunnel to burrow my way through.
2017 is going to be purrfect for this kitty cat, although I do need to brush up on my puns. I’m off to ask Cat Slave #1 AKA Alleged Writer for some writing tips. Apparently, writing about cats is the way forward: Kitty, Cat, Moggy, Feline Fest
Happy 2017 to all kitty cats and their slaves (and I suppose to you monsters who don’t like cats too – pah!) x