Feegle Cat Returns to Write Another Day!
So once again the writing reins have been handed over to Feegle, this writer’s cat. She’d like to thank you for the warm reception for her debut post: 2017 According to the Cat
Now she’s becoming a prolific writer, there’s no stopping her but we are all aware that cats are slowly taking over the world. Just don’t tell them that we know of their dastardly plans. Over to you kitty cat…
A Truth You Must Accept: Why a Writer Needs a Cat
Hello humans. It’s time once more for the Feegle Cat Chronicles!
It’s been a few weeks since I last marvelled you with my writing skills. Sorry about that. I had some epic kipping to catch up on. If I don’t get at least five days’ straight worth of sleep I can be a right miserable moggy. Mind you, so can my writer owner…
Today I am going to share the secret of one of life’s great mysteries; why do so many writers feel the need to have a cat?
Brace yourselves, you may not like the main answer…
You have cats because you want to be a cat.
Writers have a cat in their lives to show them how to be a writer. We may not have opposable thumbs to hold a biro and our typing is usually inadvertent due to padding paws over your keyboard, but we are writing bosses.
Study your cat. You will become a better writer if you do. If you don’t, blame Lisa. This is her blog. I’m merely a guest poster and a cat. Therefore I can get away with just about anything.
You Want to Be as Independent as a Cat
You watch us as we live life on our own terms and you are astounded at how we do it.
We eat when we want to. We don’t care if it’s 3am and your head isn’t a scratching post. Food happens when the belly rumbles. I’m not putting up with hunger when I can just meow in your earhole to get up and make the food happen.
We decide when we need cuddles. It’s tough luck that you are bleeding profusely from the scratches inflicted by a cat that wasn’t up for a fussing. You don’t go up to random humans and hug or stroke them do you? I’m pretty sure in some circumstances you could be arrested for that.
We may have rejected your under the chin strokes but we are not impressed when you dismiss our calls for belly rubs ten minutes later. We want it when we want it, aka ‘Now!’
You want to be independent like us. You wish that you could write with wild abandon. You would love to be able to make life go the way you want it and make other humans adore you and your work.
You wish that you could change your mind and no-one would ever challenge it. It sucks to be human sometimes. Be a cat. Oh you can’t, therefore you just get one as a companion and then envy us.
You desire a world where all your efforts are received with adoration and ‘aahs’ on appearances alone. How wonderful it would be to be able to get your writing out there, demand it be fussed over and have the world adore you just for being. Sorry about that. Only a cat can achieve this.
You Want to Be Quirky and Weird Like a Cat
You try to be freaky, nerdy, geeky or ‘out there’ but you’ll never nail it quite like a cat does.
You’d like to think the world sees you as whacky and your books as works of quirky genius but your cat has so much to teach you. It’s why you keep us around.
Try sitting calmly and then the next second darting around the house like someone has lit a fire up your arse, just for shits and giggles. Now that is weirdness.
Try meowing into space and freaking out all those around you who think you are a cat medium, conversing with ghosts. I’ll let you into a little secret. There’s no Sixth Sense-esque ‘I see dead people’ hoodoo going on. We just like to daydream, and to scare the crap out of you, of course.
Try licking walls just because they taste nice. Oh you have, and you’ve now got meds for that? Moving on…
My writing friends, you will never be as zany and weird as us. You don’t dare to be.
Keep on watching us and picking up tips. We can help with those odd ideas and you can always make your main character a cat. It’s about time we had some more literary glory. I’m so bored of T.S. Eliot now.
You Want to Have a Work/Life Balance Like a Cat
It’s hard work being a cat. It involves a fair deal of projecting just the right noises to get you flipping humans to understand.
We have to master cat towers, tunnels and all the other shizzle you give us to play with. You demand that we are performers on said toys.
We strut the house and keep guard to make sure that the territory is well and truly covered. It’s exhausting.
Therefore a cat knows the importance of the work/life balance. Keep watching us writer owners because you could learn a thing or two.
Stop after every sentence written and stretch. Flex your claws, er, fingers.
Reward yourself after each paragraph with a treat popped into your mouth by another individual. Do not accept it if they leave it on the floor. You are not a dog *shudders*.
Make sure you allow time for grooming. You probably don’t want to lick yourself like a cat does. If you do, seek help. Go and have a long soak in the bath instead.
Work and play at the same time. I’ve just mastered how to get on the exercise bike seat. I don’t use it, silly. My main form of exercise whilst seated there is to stretch my jaw for a resounding meow, dig my claws in for leverage and open the mouth wide for a cat treat for being such a clever girl.
After any achievement, big or small; eat. Cat law.
You Wish You Could Self-Promote Like Your Cat
Let’s face it a cat doesn’t have to work hard to get noticed. We have fluff. Therefore we are already winning. Add fluff to your writing and many a reader will want to coo at and stroke the beauty of it.
You may want to add literal fluff. That could be an interesting cover. However I’d advise modifying this to extra loveliness in your writing. That’s all I have. I’m a writer’s cat. You are the writer.
In your social media platforms perfect the enormous, pitiful ‘love me. I’m adorable’ cat eyes. They will mesmerise potential followers and detract from any possible rubbish writing.
Do be aware though that people may want to touch you for having a gorgeous gaze. Cats just flip over and get their bellies rubbed. You may not want to try this publicly. Keep it at home
You Want to be as Daring as a Cat
I have recently mastered the art of walking along the banister like an accomplished acrobat. The cat slaves got very excited about it. I was secretly pleased too. I’ve been working on it for ages whilst they’ve been sleeping.
There’s the secret; cats aren’t always as daring as you may think. We sometimes fake it to make it.
Anything we do that is spontaneously daring could also be called stupid. Recently I have tangled myself up in carrier bag handles and hurtled around the house trapped in the bag.
I have walked behind the kitchen cupboards and got stuck behind the sink. I know these were stupid endeavours. The humans just thought I was being daring. Oh, and they also nearly had kittens themselves dealing with the situations.
Watch your cat when they are being apparently adventurous. Sure, there are times when we leap and just do it. Maybe you need to do that sometimes? We have a better chance of landing due to having four legs and cat ninja skills but you have the ability to be sent to A&E.
Just try. Blag it. Many a cat does.
You Envy the Supreme Self-Confidence of a Cat
We are pretty cocky gits it has to be said. We know we are adorable, even the more manky ones out there on the streets. One meow and we’ve hooked you in.
You may not be able to rely upon your looks alone. You may have to actually do some writing and make it kind of good. I think that’s what writers should do. It’s what Lisa says anyway as she pulls out her hair and wails that she will never write a decent sentence ever again.
Self-confidence is difficult for you humans, apparently. You dwell on it. You remember too much as well and the past makes you feel wobbly in the head.
Be more of a cat. Take pride in your ability and tell yourself with each thing you write that you can do this.
Don’t overthink it. If I did that I’d never look at a carrier bag or a kitchen sink cupboard ever again. Therapy helps.
Push forward. Give it a go and if it goes wrong, go give your cat a stroke. We may just give some love back by way of compensation.
You Need a Friend Who Isn’t Human
Writers, you need us. You need a cat because we are not humans.
We don’t judge you, unless you’re late with our meals.
We love you unconditionally, unless you’re late with our meals.
We don’t tell you what to do, unless you’re late with our meals, or like me, a Cat Blogger Extraordinaire.
Writers will always have cats because we keep your lap and your lap top warm.
We remind you that there are other living beings on this planet when you’re engrossed in your writing by expressing loudly our hunger or other demands.
We keep you company by being with you as you write without looking over your shoulder and criticising.
We will never judge your writing, mainly because we cannot speak. Not because we are kind.
We are there when you want to give up, to provide cuddles and snuggles. Okay, you give them to us but apparently it’s therapeutic. We’d reciprocate if we just had those flipping opposable thumbs.
I muster up a face stroke with my paw for Lisa when she looks sad. She seems to appreciate it but does look wary when a stray claw slips out.
A Cat Will Always Be a Writer’s Best Friend
Deal with it. The internet says it’s true so it must be.
We’ve built ourselves quite a writerly following. You’re in good company, writers. Ernest Hemingway, Neil Gaiman, Doris Lessing and Mark Twain love/d their kitty cat writing companions too.
Genius writing flows from the company of a cat.
On the days when you cannot write or you foolishly don’t have a cat; overload your social media platforms with cat memes. It works a treat.
Oh how fickle you cat lovers be, and we adore you for it.
Until next time when the next stage of kitty cat world domination takes place,