Last Chance: Are You Sure You Want to Do This?
This is a post for the brave (and possibly stupid) ones who want to stop a writer from writing.
This could be because it’s your spouse and they’re writing so much that you think their face has morphed into a laptop lid.
It may be your roommate whose tappety tap of the keyboard whilst you’re watching television is doing your nut in.
It could be that you just want to stop all other writers, apart from yourself, from continuing work so you can finally have a best seller without the competition.
Or you may just be sadistic git who wants to upset your closest writer friend just for shits and giggles.
Fellow writers, I apologise for sharing the information. Maybe I’m that sadistic git who wants that best seller eh?
25 Ways to Stop a Writer from Writing
1.Put Netflix on and start them off on a box set. There will be no work for quite some time whilst they’re caning that bad boy.
2. Remove all coffee from the house. Most writers are afraid of ‘Outside’ so there are no fears about them going further afield for their ‘caffeine starting the day right or someone gets hurt’ fix. Good luck with the not getting hurt part though.
3. Steal their writing materials: laptops, desktops, pens, pencils, paper…the whole lot. Hide them well my friend because if you’re rumbled, you’re dead, and I’m not speaking metaphorically here.
4. Start an argument on Facebook you know will make them twitchy and go full out keyboard warrior on. Get your friends involved with throwing in the odd controversial comment and watch the writer pour all their writing skills into a litany of profanities.
5. Make them depressed. Not recommended unless you’re an out and out arsehole who doesn’t give a crap about people. This is the worst type of stopping the writing punishment there is, believe me.
6. Take away their cat. Writers need cats. It’s writing law. Without them they have nothing in common with the writing community and are lesser beings for it.
7. If you don’t have the heart to steal their cat, glue the feline to their laptop. The cat will be there anyway so it won’t be too tricky.
8. Steal their writing notebook, you know, the one they scribble in at all hours with ‘All the Best Writing Ideas Ever’ TM in it. Hide as the breakdown begins.
9. Write their novel, using all their ideas, before they do and get it published to worldwide acclaim. Possibly get murdered for it but that’s a risk you’ll need to take.
10. Beta read for them and give scathingly negative feedback. This will stall them for at least a month if not for life.
11. Stand over their shoulder whilst they are writing a first draft and point out every typo and error. Make sure you are fitted with suitable protective gear before you commence, particularly a helmet.
12. Create a hypnosis track of ‘You Are the Shittest Writer Ever’ hypnosis type stuff. Play it to them every night when they are sleeping.
13. Save all important and urgent conversations for the very moment that they start writing.
14. Impregnate them or ensure that you become pregnant. Kids will arrive.
15. Give them a deadline to get the novel finished by.
16. Make the house messy and build up the ironing pile on days when they are having a touch of writer’s block. Household duties become strangely enticing when you’re struggling to write.
17. Regularly share with them articles about how most writers earn bugger all and how the highest paid ones have the lion’s share. Watch them frantically check their bank balance and ask for overtime in their regular job thus keeping them away from writing. That’ll teach them for asking for more of the writing profits bowl.
18. Tell them it’s now their job. They can leave any other employment they have and become a full-time writer.
19. Stand over them and tell them to write something good.
20. Give them a copy of your recently published, excellent, superb, amazing novel that really truly is all those things. Watch their typing fingers shrivel up, their brain empty of all ideas, and their eyes mist over with grief.
21. Ask them to write a poem for your wedding, anniversary, or worse, a loved one’s funeral. The writer’s words will also go off to die.
22. Put them on a diet where no carbs, chocolate or fats exist. Writers exist on food naughtiness. It is their fuel for the writing fire.
23. Be nice to them at all times and make sure that nothing bad ever happens to them. This puts paid to all the angsty, emotional, writing as therapy stuff they usually spill out.
24. Remind them of how their teachers told them they were a rubbish writer at school.
25. Have a punch up right outside their home. Writers are nosey. We don’t want to miss anything.
If All Else Fails…
Just let the poor loves write. It’s probably easier that way, unless you actually want to talk to them, live with them, have a life with them etc.
Sorry my friends, you’re on to a loser if you think you can really stop this writing business.
Shove ‘em in a room, support them in getting a cracking good novel out, and live off the proceeds. Either that or take up writing yourself. Not you, husband. There’s only room for one writing diva in this house.