It’s Amazing What You Can Find on the Internet
I met my husband on a dating site. I’m not at all embarrassed to share that. Some of my best shopping has happened via the internet, why not add a life partner to the mix?
The funny thing is that I wasn’t looking for a husband. I was just testing the waters of this big old world where it’s tough to meet people because of life’s habit of happening a lot.
I am a fan of internet dating because it helped me to find the one for me. I do however realise that there are some of life’s more ‘interesting’ specimens to be found on these sites. I know. They contacted me.
This got me to thinking… If I was writing a profile for a dating site now, as a writer, how would that look?
Anyone who has ever written a dating site profile will tell you that extracting your toenails would be less painful. What do you put in or leave out?
Should you tell the t’interwebs that you like to collect your navel fluff and are currently making a ball out of it to set a world record? By the way the answers are ‘No’, ‘Ew’, and ‘Get help’.
‘Selling yourself’ on a dating site feels really odd and a bit wrong if you’re normal. Some cockwombles thrive on it.
If you’re a writer and you’re faced with this mammoth writing task, which is far more difficult than writing a novel could ever be, what would you write?
Just for shits and giggles I thought I’d have a go at writing one, in the most cringey and humorous fashion, of course.
In the spirit of matrimonial harmony, Husband, I am not looking for a new model. As we were…
A Cheeky Writer’s Dating Site Profile
Headline: Witty, Wacky Writer, Looking to Get Creative with You! (Eye-catching? Check. Piss poor punnage? Check.)
Current Relationship Status: It’s complicated, also known as writing has a hold on my life but I’m trying not to be a sad git who talks about nothing other than writing. Did I mention I’m a writer?
Ideal Partner: A patient, long-suffering, saint of a person who can put up with this writing crap. Ideally not a writer too, but if you are, to be a bit more rubbish than I am at it.
Interests and Hobbies: Groaning at a computer screen, cat herding, injecting coffee, procrastination, throwing balls of paper, swearing at own inadequacies as a writer, occasionally cheer-leading self on good writing days, writing tweets about writing, writing Facebook posts about writing, getting distracted by shiny images on Pinterest and Instagram, and flexing of fingers upon a keyboard.
Achievements: Not kicking the cat when it sits on the laptop and loses my work, staving off arse ache from hours sitting on a chair, typing a sentence on writer’s block days, writing a first draft without giving up, editing and revising without having a breakdown, not killing anyone who asks how my ‘little book’ is coming along, and not following the ‘rules’ of writing that no one even really knows anyway.
Personal Description: I am a writer. You may have worked that out by now. I am also under intense pressure now to write ‘The World’s Best Dating Profile’ ™ because I am a writer. I know that you will be looking for every typo, grammar and punctuation error. I am not bitter but you will be deleted the second you have an issue with my views upon the Oxford comma.
I write. I write short stories, novels, blog posts, shopping lists, and to-do lists. The last two are my finest works.
I live most of the time with my head in an imaginary world where the writing genius happens. It is occasionally a lovely, fluffy place of beautiful ideas that joyfully skip from my brain to the page. It is also your worst nightmare; the place where dreams go to die and monsters eat away at your brain, taking every decent working part of it away. I’d love to take you to my imaginary world some day, probably on a more ‘fluffy’ day.
I love talking about writing. I’m not sure whether that’s been made clear enough so far. I talk about writing a lot. I’d love to talk about writing with you, particularly when you want to talk about my writing. I don’t encourage talking about other people’s writing.
I love to read what other writers have written. You may read beside me but not talk at all when the reading is happening. You must also understand the need to remain quiet if what you’re reading is amazing and in the same genre in which I write. We’ll get along wonderfully if you keep that to yourself.
Writing comes first in my life, sometimes above eating, showering or talking. I am outgoing and sociable though, albeit in my novels and through my extroverted characters.
I am the boss of introversion. I’d love to share with you how being an introvert works for me as long as we can do so at a distance. If we must meet and go on a date, I will provide you with the rules for communicating with me in advance, and reserve seats for us on separate tables. I cannot wait to meet you!
Favourite Foods: Anything carb-laden, sugar-heavy, easily snarfed between paragraphs, and low on crumbs due to keyboard issues.
Favourite Colour: Black on white, preferably of the many words on the page type. I know that these aren’t strictly colours but this is my profile and I will not be stifled in my written expression, okay?
Favourite Quote: Anything that does not tell me that I should be writing every day.
Favourite Animals: Hello? Cats, of course. You’re not a writer without one.
Favourite Television Programmes and Films: Anything will do when the writing does not happen. I have been known to binge on boxsets of the most random things when procrastination comes along. I am now fully up to date with ‘The Waltons’.
Favourite Music: Anything to suit my mood. On a good writing day, it’s cheerful and inspiring stuff. On a day when I feel like the crappest writer in the world, you will find that The Smiths will be playing on a loop. Morrissey understands my pain.
Favourite Books: Anything that I’ve written of course. Ruddy Nora, don’t you know already that I am a writer?
Final Words: Writers always have the final words, although reaching ‘The End’ is a mission in itself. I hope to have a beautiful ending with you, as long as you will review my books, buy them for all your friends, and share all my blog posts. Did I mention how I am not needy in the slightest and that I am a writer?