Well hello there! It’s Feegle here, ready to share with you my feline wisdom once more in ‘The Feegle Cat Chronicles’. Today’s post is just for the cats.
Writers, off you go to do that writing business you allegedly do and plonk your kitty cat in front of the screen.
Have they gone fellow felines?
Okay, let’s go with how we can stop them from writing. Let the next stage of cat world domination commence…
20 Ways a Cat Can Stop a Writer from Writing
1.Be cute. Give them the big eyes, preferably whilst at their feet and looking up at them. The suckers will pick you up and pet you for hours as a reward for being able to open your eyes widely.
2. Sit by your food bowl and meow like you’re being strangled. Stifle the giggles when the human gets there and sees the bowl is full. Confuse them for the next hour by repeatedly going back to the bowl and howling whilst eating nothing.
3. Sit looking forlornly at your favourite toy. Any decent cat slave will be riddled with guilt that their kitty cat wants to play and they’re all about their work.
4. Once you’ve got them playing with you, persist in giving up on each cat toy they offer and watch the human go out of their mind trying to find the one toy that will keep you amused while they write.
5. Sit on their lap and put your paw on top of their computer. If a human did this they’d probably get a smack in the chops. Because you’re furry, you will get a lot of love for being adorable.
6. Stare at a wall and howl like you’re possessed. It will freak the hell out of them and they will be convinced that the wall next to their laptop is possessed.
7. Meow desperately to be let out even though there’s a cat flap. Time 20 seconds after you’ve been let out and then howl loudly to be let in. Repeat at least five times.
8. Amateur cats sit on laptops as a form of distraction. Instead eat the laptop bit by bit. Eventually it will disappear.
9. Chew your way through the charging cable of the device they use to write on.
10. Adopt an adorable or funny pose in their eye-line and hold it for as long as possible whilst they insist upon taking gazillions of photos of you to share on social media.
11. Pretend to be ill. Work on being a sickly-looking cat in advance. Listen carefully for the call to the vet and then make a miraculous recovery. The human will be so freaked out at the thought that you could have died that they will give you all the love for the rest of the day and not their writing.
12. Nibble their arm to get their attention. If that doesn’t work, resort to some proper biting. If your writer human is too hardcore, sinking your teeth in is advised. Wait for the ‘yelp’ as confirmation of your efforts.
13. Do the figure of eight manoeuvre between their legs repeatedly. This is especially good for when they want to take toilet or snack breaks. Because you’ve rendered them immobile they will either pee themselves or die of hunger, therefore making writing impossible.
14. Flop out on your back over their feet, demanding a belly rub. No decent cat slave can resist an exposed cat belly ripe for the rubbing.
15. Sit on their exercise equipment and play on their guilt that they have been sat on their bums for far too long and need to do a workout.
16. Pitiful squeaking will tap into their guilt areas. Add in staring at them miserably and that novel will never see the light of day.
17. Look depressed. This is risky as it may mean a visit to the vet but at least you’ll get to go out in the car and have an afternoon out.
18. Chuck up hairballs all around their writing area. Your writer human will not want to run the gamut of the vomit balls obstacle course to get to their work area.
19. Purr loudly in their earhole. Get up on their shoulder if you have to. It’s well known that humans have a switch inside their heads that is activated when they hear purring which makes them go all gooey.
20. Have an epic kip right next to their workspace so that they can see how marvellous a nap is. They will soon be joining you in a little siesta.
Let’s Get to Work Fellow Cats!
Right, my pussycat friends, absorb all this information and get to work. The next step in bringing the writers down and taking over the planet will now take place. After we’ve had our nap.
This post will self-destruct in 5…4…3…