Heaven forbid but if this writing gig doesn’t work out what will we do, fellow writers?
The true answer is probably curl up into a ball in a corner and eat our body weight in Dairy Milk between the sobs.
The proper grown up answer is to find another occupation.
Transferable skills are where the CV/resume is at.
So what could a writer do with their skills out there in the big bad working world?
If I Wasn’t a Writer I Could Be…
Here’s where a writer weighs up their options and can show the world that writers aren’t just one-dimensional scribbling creatures. Well. most of us anyway.
Er, tried it. Did it. Moving on…
Speech Writer for Politicians
We make stuff up for a living. Who better to write the manifestos for politicians? That’s as political as this blog will ever get.
If anyone knows anything about laying a foundation, creating layers, cementing ideas together, and working their way to the final draft so the finished product is no longer drafty, it’s a writer.
Be aware though that most of us tend to work slowly. You may have a house within a decade but we’re not making any promises.
A great job as we’re really good at making stuff up. Oh, that’s not quite what this is right?
Okay, well we’re good at making things look pretty with the right tools.
You may come out looking like a clown or an Abba reject but at least we got creative. Unfortunately it was all over your face.
We often put ourselves in the shoes of our characters. A writer knows how to take on different roles and live like an imaginary person.
We love make-believe and at least this way we’re potentially getting paid mega bucks for it if we hit the big time.
Have you ever tried to keep a shed load of multiple edits and revisions in order? A lion, in comparison, is a walk in the park and possibly less likely to keep biting you on the arse.
We are so obsessed with the rules of writing that upholding the law would not be a problem for the writer.
Dissing Stephen King? You’re nicked son.
Not writing every day? Go straight to jail.
On social media when you should be editing? Throw away the key.
A writer possesses a strange power of being able to make their readers see the world more clearly or in a different light if they use their tools well.
Becoming an optician where we help people to literally see the world should be a breeze.
Considering the amount of time we have to promote our wares, ourselves, our blogs and anything else remotely writerly, this is a no-brainer.
No writer worth their salt has got out of doing research. We’re also a tenacious bunch who will sell our kids if it means we’ll get a good story out of it.
Now you need to decide if you’re tabloid or broadsheet. Stay classy.
We imbibe coffee like it’s going out of fashion.
We know our coffee.
We respect and worship the coffee.
We will lovingly bestow the coffee upon you with pretty pictures in the foam if you’re extra nice to us.
Because no one knows better how to turn on the waterworks when the shit hits the fan, or should that be the pan, better than a writer does.
Every time I sit down and write something that’s good I feel the compulsion to put my pants on over my jeans, fly out of the window, and stand there looking all powerful and stuff.
At least if I’m an actual superhero it will be legit.
Come on ‘fess up, how good would we be at this?
We could make up place names, keep commuters entertained when trains are running late with a story, and do funny voices over the tannoy.
We could also tell the world where platform 9 3/4 is and ruin it for Harry Potter and his mates.
Toilet Roll Factory Worker
We deal with paper all the time.
We screw it up and dispose of it because it’s full of crap.
We cry into it when it’s going bad.
Just like the Andrex puppy, we follow the paper trail wherever we go too.
Remember though, no matter what your job is, it will never be as bad as being an actual toilet roll.
Look, we bought into the joke that we can write and possibly make millions from it.
Being a clown and making people laugh will work when we tell the audience what our previous vocation was.
Hairdressers are renowned for their inane chatter about our holidays, what we’re doing at the weekend, what our job is, and the like. Writers, we all come up with trite lines too.
Steer clear of the scissors, particularly if you’re a crime writer.
Writers know how to choose the right ingredients, mix them up, play around with them, add a touch of this, and take away some of that. We’re constantly cooking something up.
Get us to the kitchen; our natural domain!
Boy do we know how to mourn and grieve.
We’ve seen off many a crappy short story, lamented a rubbish idea that didn’t quite draw breath, and wept for the lost ideas that went to the land of the dead because we forgot to write them down.
We would certainly be able to put on a cracking funeral.
Security Guard or Bouncer
We know how to protect what’s precious to us. Our writing is fiercely guarded as we write.
We only let the privileged few beta read for us.
If your name’s not down, you’re not coming into our writing world.
We’re dead ‘ard when our writing is threatened by plagiarism, bad reviews or reading our work before it’s ready.
Because they’re not real; they’re apparitions *braces herself to be ‘spooked’ by the ghost writers in the comments*.
Nothing like ending on a crap pun-type controversial note, is there? Perhaps I better find another job
Over to You!
What’s your fantasy job?
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
What job would you love to try out just for one day?