Snarky Responses to the Spammers

Spammers. Eurgh.

They breed like rabbits. Actually, more like fleas.

You start a blog, a spam flea appears. You keep blogging and those pesky fleas multiply, begging to be acknowledged by biting your posts and being a major pain in the arse or whatever area they’re nibbling on.

I was set to ignore them once again until I decided to get my own back and use the spam to make a post.

Cue the responses I would give to the spam messages but won’t because you don’t want to feed the animals.

Those spam fleas need to die not thrive.

Sexy Spewy Spam

The Message:

Best Nude Playmates & Centerfolds, Beautiful galleries daily updates teen porn tube sites mobile porn brutal porn free bikini porn gallery

My Reply:

Let’s address your worrying lack of grammar.

If you must list the tawdry porn you’re offering, at least stick a few commas in there. You’re obviously acquainted with inserting things.

Capital letters do not make me want to pay attention to you, particularly when used incorrectly.

Hugh Heffner is turning in his grave and wants his taglines back.

Oh how I would love to be able to report you for your ‘teen porn’ and the child porn you offer. You’ll disappear before I could do it though.

You’re scummier than the brown ring under the toilet rim.

I hope your testicles explode and your perverted urges disappear along with them.

The Message:

Find yourself a girl for the night in your city.

My Reply:

Does she like lounging in her PJs, talking rubbish, and watching boxsets your husband finds too girlie?

No?

Oh, you’re not offering me a new bestie.

Off you trot.

The Message:

Sexy girls for the night in your town.

My Reply:

Does she like lounging in her PJs, talking rubbish, and watching boxsets your husband finds too girlie?

Damn you once more for not offering a new bestie, even after you narrowed it down from my city to my town.

The Message:

Big Ass Photos – Free Huge Butt Porn, Big Booty Pics

My Reply:

You asked for this…

I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung…

The Sycophant Spammers

I love these ones.

They pretend they’re a HUGE fan of your blog, can’t wait to tell the whole world about it, and you are the blogging shizzle.

Of course I am.

The Message:

I’m gone to say to my little brother, that he should also pay a quick visit this web site on regular basis to get updated from most recent information.

My Reply:

If you’re “gone” then how on earth have you managed to type me a message?

I’d rather you had gone and kept on going.

If you’re going to spam a Brit and it’s not your first language, you deserve to be laughed at.

What the actual shit are you saying about your little brother, who I’m sure is real?

I have so many questions about this person.

Have you “gone to say out loud my little brother’ or does this sibling exist in your fantasy world?

I’d rather your brother paid a longer visit. It helps my SEO but seeing as he’ll be catching up with my blog on a regular basis, I’ll let it go, just this once.

It’s a pleasure to update your ‘little brother’ with my most recent information.

Tell him to look out for this post and a future one on how to get a life.

The Message:

You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

My Reply:

I suppose it’s confusing reading and responding to a blog post written by my cat.

I will never understand why Feegle thinks she has a right to be on my blog either but cat logic is hard to grasp.

I will send my two cats around to have a word with you and make the world of cat less complicated.

I can’t guarantee it will be helpful to you and not because they don’t speak human. The main issue will be in you being an imaginary appreciator of my blog.

Jobs and Investment Opportunities

I wish I’d replied and taken up every investment and job offer. I’d be a millionaire by now, obviously.

The Message:

She started throwing paper clips at me when i did this. Didn’t you know there are thousands of making full-time incomes from home? Terrible sales which comes from your link, an individual paid.

My Reply:

Who the hell is ‘she’?

Whoever she is, I’d complain to HR.

Throwing paperclips is blatant violence and she needs to be sacked. All it takes is for the end of a paperclip to get caught on your best cardi and your world is shaken with a snag or two.

You seem to have missed out what the ‘thousands of’ actually are. Cats, dogs, llamas, penguins, aliens, rattle snakes?

I guess they can all work from home.

How very dare you stating, ‘Terrible sales which comes from your link’. I’ll have you know the post you responded to about people who struggle in the festive season made me a damn sight richer…in knowing I’d done a good thing for those having a hard time.

You are a scuzzy, illiterate, douche-canoe who highjacks serious posts.

May many paperclips inflict multiple injuries upon your person or cardigan. I’ll happily join ‘she’ in lobbing them at you.

Over to You

Do you get a lot of spam on your blog or website?

Do you ever check it for shits and giggles like I do or ignore it?

How do you deal with spammers?

Have you got any spammer stories to give us a few chuckles?